Biosphere2 is a really cool place, if not a bit bizarre as well.

She-Ra and Metal Mark visit the Biosphere2

We had been sitting on this Groupon for a while now. She-Ra bought it, sort of on a whim, and we kept making plans to go visit but something always fell through or we were all “Um, it's too far. Maybe next weekend.” Then, one day, we made a solid pact, a decision had been solidified. We would get up early, have a decent breakfast and drive the thirty plus miles out to our destination because, honestly, that Groupon was about to expire.

We were off to see the Biosphere.

Actually it's called, officially, “Biosphere 2” because, well, the Earth is biosphere one you see. It all makes sense. Actually we've just been calling it Bio Dome because of that stupid movie with Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin, long before he cleaned up his act and became all Jesus-y. Did you know “Bio Dome” was filmed at the Biosphere 2?

Now you do...

So what exactly is the Biosphere 2? Well, it was built in the 1980s as a sort of environmental science mecca where specific experiments and focused studies could be made in the comfort of a huge geodesic enclosed landscape. You might remember in the early 90's where a group of scientists lived in the Biosphere for a few years, living solely on the vegetation and animals they raised with in it. It came under some fire by the press and conservatives saying that it was a huge waste of money and a bunch of hippie boloney...even though most hippies I knew don't eat boloney. It was, in fact, by most in the scientific community a “triumph” to further understand the delicate balance of the planet and what our impact on it is. Then it got bought by some corporation that wanted to do something else with the facilities until the University of Arizona took the reigns in 2007 and clean up of some of the abandoned Biomes and research facilities have just recently began.

But, to make money off of it, they had to open it up to the public. Hence our purchase of said Groupon. And, hence, our day trip to the Biosphere 2.

The drive itself from central Tucson was actually really nice. I mean, it rained the whole way up but seeing as the dense eve of a threatening monsoon was always upon us, it was nice to have a break in the clouds and temperatures alike. Unfortunately the passenger side wiper, where I was sitting, wasn't working too well so my forward view of our brief journey looked like a half circled smudge of blobbing drips from above.

But, when we got there, we were pleased to find that the rain had stopped and the sun was half hidden by Simpsons-like clouds. Perfect day to spend inside a triangular windowed replica of certain corners of the Earth. At least the magnifying glass effect, if there was to be one, wouldn't be so bad thanks to the fluffy white moving scrims deflecting Arizona's harsh summer light. Then I found out all the windows were UV blocked. So, nevermind what I just said.

Luckily we got there just in time for a tour to start. We were lead to a large room with a bunch of seats facing a projector screen. Surrounding the walls were information posters relaying images and facts about what the Biosphere 2 means as far as its purpose and discoveries, environmental anomalies from around the globe, something to do with a giant lobster, stuff like that. Strangely, though, in the corner, sat a Baldwin (do you see the further connections here? Baldwin. Like...in Stephen? Oh forget it...) grand piano with a large and imposing sign on it that read “PLEASE DO NOT PLAY!” But what if I could really play and wanted to entertain the other visitors that were slowly shuffling in with jaunty renditions of Gershwin tunes? Would they be all “Hey! Stop that you talented person!”? I doubt it.

One thing that got me to raise an eyebrow out of sheer irony was the case of one of those info posters with a jangled searing image of endless water bottles and a small text square at the base of it reading how horrible it is to be using and purchasing water bottles because they are one of the main reason for the erosion of top soil and the grand pollutant of the oceans and seas.

Then, just a few steps away from that poster, just around the bend, was a Dasani vending machine stocked high with plenty of water bottles for your consuming and consumption pleasure. You're welcome Mother Earth.

Pretty soon a voice came over the speakers asking us to all take a seat. We were treated to a short film about the Biosphere 2 but were saddened that popcorn was not made available. Then, once the lights came up, an elderly gentleman with a mustache and wonky left eye lead the way for our guided tour. On a random Friday afternoon there must have been at least thirty to forty people, including ourselves. Are they here too because their Groupon was about to expire? I mean, the Biosphere isn't the easiest attraction to get to and it's kind of out in the middle of BF AZ. If you know what those initials are for.

The first Biome (which is a Bio specific room, and not really a room per se but more like a sub dome from the rest of the sphere...you get the idea) was the rainforest. And how did we know it was the rainforest Biome? Yeah, hot and sticky as fxxk. It was already humid and warm outside and now we're stuck on a tiny platform listening to some old dude with a roaming eye talk about the importance of this here experiment and blah blah blah. Sure, it was spectacular and, yeah, it's an amazing feat of human endeavor and research, but I was sweating so bad I felt like a guilty man in an interrogation room somewhere in Africa with the thermostat set for “You gotta be kidding me”. It was quite a sight to see but when our guide said it was time to move on I really felt like pushing through the families with kids and making a break for the door. Which I kind of did.

The other Biomes were nice and easy. The marsh area was cool with a slight breeze. The ocean one (which had actual water from the Pacific ocean brought in on huge tanker trucks from the San Diego beaches) was really neat and luckily we didn't go any earlier that year because, according to our guide, the ocean Biome was abandoned and algae had all but destroyed the waters. Thanks to the UofA it was now clean if not a bit still murky. When we came to the desert Biome we just thought he'd open up a door and be all “There you go!”. You know, because, we live in the desert....and stuff.

Afterwards we were lead down a long series of pipe tunnels into a place called “The Lung”.

Now, the Lung is essentially what the name describes; it is the actual 'breathing' mechanism for the entire Biosphere. Literally, during the day, it “inhales” air from the outside and at night “exhales” it back out creating a full fledged nearly organic filtration process. The room was huge and a bit humid, which echoed every word our tour guide spoke. I really wanted to let out a big fart noise but, well...I don't think it would have gone over well with the other patrons. When we exited we were all hit with a full blast of air, like enough to blow toupees and small dogs away. Science is awesome. But I was still a little confused how everything actually worked and why we would need a Biosphere in this day and age. I mean, I didn't see any scientist-y folk mulling around, just tour guides and a gift shop. Hmm...

Outside we poked around their irrigation system and plant life they were growing in the open. Then I found this. Way to go sustainable organic “lets save the Earth one recycled item at a time” establishment!

I mean, if there were any recycle bins nearby, in a place that advocates recycling, I would have done my part. But...hopefully maintenance will find it. But I didn't see any maintenance people either. What is this place? Really?

Walking up some stairs past little metal hands on rain collecting rods, we entered the Biosphere again and were led into a dining area that looked a lot like the one in “Empire Strikes Back” where Darth Vader is waiting for Han Solo and when Han Solo shoots his ray gun all Vader does is deflect it with his hands and then he takes the gun away using the force then Chewbacca howls and Lando Calrissian looks upset then the door closes and... Remember that scene? Yeah, it sort of looked like that but not as cool. Very bad late 80's/ early 90's décor. It needed a serious makeover. Style Network should send the “next design star” to the Biosphere and fluff it up a bit. A little modernization and some throw pillows and the space could become quite dashing.

And this was pretty much the end of the tour. Old man crazy eye was dripping sweat, like literally huge drops were falling from his chin, due to the excursion and humidity, as he answered any questions and told us we were free to check out the living quarters of the scientists that lived here and so forth.

“If you want,” the tour guide dude said, “you can go downstairs into the ocean viewing room and see the waters from under the ground. That is...if you want.”

So we then walked around the living quarters (again, so bad 80s, like bulky yellow push button phones and computers the size of small cars) and luckily I found a bathroom because breakfast had reared its delicious yet wanting to exit head. It was fun to totally destroy one of the bathrooms that a scientist many years ago used as well. And, wouldn't you know it, they had tons of paper products. Now, I work at the library where there is literally no paper products outside of the books and bum wipe. Don't you think, you know, to save Mother Gaia and all that crap, they would install hand air dryers? Wouldn't you think? Set an example here hippies with masters degrees. Think of the children. Think of all those trees, crying....crying....

Eventually we rounded the way to that underground ocean viewing area. For some reason the stairs were closed off so we had to take an ancient death box elevator down. I checked the stairs; they seemed relatively disaster and sharp pointy things free. I didn't get it. So we got in the rattly down cage and pushed the button “2”.

When we got out we were pleased to find that they kind of did up the whole underground area to resemble a bit of an aquatic attraction. There were more of those obligatory information posters and even a shark chasing after a school of smaller fish dangling above. It was kind of cool.

The viewing windows themselves were nice and big but the water was still a bit too murky to get a full feel of depth and a clear image of the occasional swimming by your face fish. Still, it was neat and a fun extra to the day and recent tour.

Then, things began to get a bit weird down there. As we carried on with the ocean view windows, we slowly began to discover that there was far more to this “room” than we had expected. Walking along the narrow path, we saw old TV monitors embedded into the faux cave walls, but they were turned off. Rounding a corner, there was an abandoned screening room with two enormous fish takes on either side, empty and forgotten. The toilets down there were roped off and water leaked out from an unknown broken source. Right about here, vibes began to grow into the 'creepy'.

Then, and here's where She-Ra's and my jaw just dropped. This underground ocean viewing room? It was a full scale under sea aquarium theme park that felt as if it hadn't been used since the Clinton administration. There were touch pools with nothing in them to touch, a whole learning center with computer screens dark and dusty, a tiered “learning center” way in the back that had become some kind of storage space, a child's play area with a sand bar and games – all left behind and deserted. It was the strangest thing we had seen in a very long time.

Why didn't anyone mention that this was down here? Why is it not on the tour map or website? Why did the tour guide just kind of dismiss it and suggested we check it out “If you want” like it was no big deal? This place? This was kind of a big deal and nobody seems to care about it and no one seems to know about it. The space felt like an abandoned park in some Scooby-Doo episode, one where the ghost dressed in an old diver's suit terrorizes visitors. It was literally an unused, and quite large, facility that could bring in even more revenue and visitors if they would only tidy up a bit, turn on some monitors and put some fish in their respected tanks and exhibits. I mean, what the fxxk Biosphere? This place went from pretty cool to totally bizarre.

As we were leaving we asked the lady at the front desk about the aquatic theme area. She really didn't have an answer for us either. Why not? She didn't know.

A quick tour of the gift shop (books, t-shirts hot sauce, all the stuff a science expedition might need) we came across another curious addition: shot glasses. You use non-recyclable paper products, there weren't any visible recycle bins, you sell Pepsi product water bottles and now you want us to go home, fill up the tiny squarish glasses emblazoned with an image of and the word Biosphere2 with hard liquor tip one back and get drunk. Way to go Biosphere nerds. Way to go.

All in all we did indeed have a very good time, but we left fairly daunted and confused as to what we were just witness to and what was it all for. And that abandoned under ground mini version of Marine Land. What was that all about?

When we got home we were pretty regretful that we didn't actually purchase a pair of those shot glasses. Because after a day like that, we kind of needed them.