This piece chronicles the “morning after” a random hookup with a girl I had met at a party. She was someone I would not usually be into but, well, we’ve all been there. I was also in the early stages of my cocaine use and didn’t fully understand it’s harmful effects…in more ways than one.
Enjoy!
* * *
The next day I woke up to a very strange noise. All I heard was something like “beeesh-zoooot-beeeesh-zoooot”. It was like some kind of cyborg breathing, yet with a gurgling too. At first I thought the toilet was backed up and making odd sounds. Maybe it was my stomach because after a night of boozing I am usually famished by morning, that is if I don’t stop somewhere to get a late night burrito or pizza slice. Which I didn’t.
I then realized I was laying next to a naked girl I barely knew. Looking over at her, I made a startling discovery.
Nicole had that aviator mask thing on her face and the machine was activated. I could see the little pumps I thought was the reel to reel tapes bopping up and down. She was on her back, chest exposed, while the other half was under her stark white sheet, with this mask on her making her look like some kind of Sex Vader. I shot up and surveyed the scene.
First thing I noted was that I wasn’t turned on. If some random girl wearing a breathing apparatus with her boobs out made me tingly in any way I would make an appointment with a therapist. But it didn’t. Actually, if the mask was a full blown Darth style I might be inclined to mount her and do my business. But the sound of the machine, that sloshing, compressed air sound, made me a little queasy. So I looked around her room, found my undershirt, shorts, shirt and hoodie, gathered them up and began to look for my shoes and socks. That’s when she woke up.
“Good morning,” she said completely muffled by the mask and whooshing sounds. I could barely make out what she was saying.
“Uh, hi,” I said holding my clothes in a tight ball. “Morning. I uh... Ready for breakfast?”
Nicole then took of the mask and turned the machine off.
“Are you freaked out by this?” she asked. By my deer caught in the headlights expression and stance it was apparent that I was. “Sorry. I have sleep apnea. It’s either this or I don’t breath at night.”
“Uh huh,” I said.
“Whatever. You think I’m a freak.”
“No. It’s cool. I just...I’ve never seen anything like that,” I said. “My dad’s husband has sleep apnea and he...”
“Your dad’s gay?” she said sounding a little perturbed.
“Uh, yeah. They both are.”
“That’s weird.”
I always found it funny that people that live in San Francisco can still be homophobic. I’ve come across it so many times and it still makes me scratch my head and think ‘why don’t you move to Kansas or something?’ They live in the gayest city in the world with a famous gay district making it the Gay Vortex for all other things that are labeled “gay”. San Francisco is queen of Homo Mountian. Stand proud
It was then that I noticed something on the ground. My bag of blow had fallen out and was sitting in the middle of the floor. Nicole got up, put on a big tee shirt, a long one with Tweety bird on it for craps sake, and started toward the door. She walked by me, tickled my tummy and yawned off to the bathroom. The whole time I moved my body so that she wouldn’t see the bag. When she as gone I quickly retrieved it and stuffed it in my wallet. I then got dressed, found my socks and shoes, which were scattered all over the room, without a clue how that happened, and put them on.
When Nicole came back I was tying my shoe.
“You’re in a big hurry huh?” she said. “I thought maybe we could have another quicky before we go out.”
Actually, the last thing on my mind right then was sex. I was hungover, the coke had made me feel chemically dazed and, to be honest with you, I was a little turned off by the whole breathing mask thing and the whole situation.
“I, uh...don’t have another condom,” I said, realizing that I hadn’t used one when we sort of did it. That made me nervous too.
“That’s okay,” she said opening up a drawer on her night stand. “I’ve come prepared.” She lifted out a long row of condoms and wore a sinister smile.
“Can I take a raincheck?” I said. “I didn’t realize how late it was. I have to be at work in an hour.”
She put the condoms back in the drawer. “That’s fine,” she said. “What about breakfast?”
“I don’t think we’ll have time.”
“Whatever.”
Sensing that she was a little upset with me I tried to make some light conversation.
“I see you’re into Mariah Carey,” I said.
“Fuck yeah,” Nicole said with all seriousness. “Mimi is the bomb yo.”
“Yeah,” I uttered. “I had this poster of Lita Ford when I was a kid on the ceiling above my bed. You know, the one where she’s topless, looking at you over her shoulder, in uber tight leather pants and holding that white pointy guitar with fog in the background? It was awesome.”
“Who’s Lita Ford?” she asked.
“I gotta go.”
I didn’t have to work that day but I needed to split. We kissed goodbye, exchanged numbers and I left. It was late afternoon on a Friday so I walked up to the 540, ordered a Bloody Mary, drank it while talking to the daytime bartender Richie who called me a cab when I was finished. I went back to the apartment to find camera equipment all over the place.
“What the heck is going on?” I asked.
There was a bunch of people I didn’t know scurrying around the place. There was a big digital camera pointed down the hall, with lights, flags, cables on the ground and Khamish coming out of his room.
“Is this okay,” he asked. “We need a quick scene of a girl coming out of a bedroom. I didn’t know when you were coming home so...is this okay?”
I actually didn’t care at all. Khamish was never around and for that I rewarded him with letting his film crew do some shooting in the place. Turns out he wanted the girl coming out Amanda’s bedroom, looking distressed, and then walking past the camera.
“That’s it,” he said. “We’ll be done in a few hours.”
“That’s cool man,” I said. “I’ll go catch a movie or something. What’s playing?”
Most of the crew just shrugged. But they took a half hour break to let me shower, change and get my stuff together. I needed to see some big dumb movies anyway. My brain had turned to mush.
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