The debate on the origin of this word has spanned decades. Generations even. It is a subject of much controversy, debate, meaning and genesis. A simple mono-syllabic word has literally ripped the slang using globe in half.
Not just in half...in thirds!
The word in question, of course, is “chode”.
This came about a while ago when I heard some young men calling themselves that at a local college bar where I was, as usual, disguised as the school mascot for I do love the dollar Schlitz on tap. It was a beaver costume and I have no idea if that was indeed the school mascot.
“Dude, you’re such a chode!” one of them said to another.
“I’m not a chode! You are!” he replied.
This got me to thinking. Now when I was a youngster, the term “chode” meant a lazy smelly slacker. These young upstarts did not appear to be any of the aforementioned adjectives. They had popped collars, blonde hair, visors on backwards and sandaled feet under expensive looking jeans. I believe the term “douchebag” was more appropriate.
So I got up from my stool and walked over to them.
“Look, it’s some chode in a beaver costume,” one of them said at my arrival. “Hey beaver man, you know beaver is another name for poon!”
I did know that. But that’s not why I approached them.
Curious, I asked the group what they thought “chode actually meant.
“Dude, it’s a tiny dick that’s thicker then it is long,” a guy in an Ed Hardy shirt explained. “Like Greg here...he’s got a chode.”
“Screw you Andy! You’re the one with the chode.”
I then began to ponder in my beaver costume if that was indeed the actual translation.
A year before I was in Iowa, waiting for my car to be fixed and drinking coffee in a local diner. I had broken down on the 60 and almost hit a bear who was mauling a man in the middle of the road. I was lucky and swerved off to the left.
As I sat there eating hash browns and sipping coffee a trucker walked in and sat next to me.
“Been on the road for three days now,” he extolled malodorously. “My chode is itchin’ somethin’ fierce!”
I then had to ask what a chode was.
“That space between your nuts and butthole. Some call it the taint but I call it the chode. Because, you know...tradition.”
Half gagging from his reek and the uncooked hash browns, I recalled calling someone a chode in high school. He was a lazy and dirty fellow, always drunk and high and never once did he change his socks after gym.
“Arnold?” I said to the man. “Is that you?”
“Holy crap! Yeah it’s me. Man I haven’t seen you since high school.”
We chatted and he gave me his phone number while I gave him the number for my local pest control office.
So recently I sat down and put all of these definitions and tales together. I then went to the library and did some research on my own, I Googled the word “chode” and studied it’s lineage, I also contacted experts, historians, professors and people in the adult film industry. I had to know. Dear God...I just had to know.
Two hours later, I had all the information I needed.
This is the result!
The word “chode” stems back to the year 1018 when a fledgling band of Vikings were making their way to Constantinople to pillage and raid. This particular band was known throughout the waters as the most vile and disturbing faction known to eat the knees of their victims, poop on the necks of the fallen and steal cheese that had gone bad. Their next site was on a small township in Constantinople where it was rumored to have not only sultry virgins and riches, but cheese so stinky it was used to ward off invading enemies.
The most feared and repugnant Viking on that ship was no other than Chode Slorgensblorgen. This detestable heap of man crust was known for diabolical acts against poultry that I really don’t want to get into now. It wasn’t so much his skills at battle that earned him his reputation, oh no. Chode Slorgensblorgen was a notorious jerkoff.
Chode would usually wait till his fellow Vikings raided and had the city under their control. He would then wake up from his grog nap, stumble out to see “what the commotion is all about” and proceed to tear up the place.
Legend has it that the women he took advantage of passed out long before he had a chance to invade their sanctity.
“Oh he was awful,” sites Professor Flederman at Johns Hopkins University. “He was not only the smelliest man alive, stinking of lutefisk that had gone bad weeks ago, but also had a penis that looked like a crushed tall boy can of beer and an undercarriage that, literally, emitted a green bog mist from maltreatment and debris from an unkept anus and testicles. He was disgusting.”
That revolting characteristic made Chode Slorgensblorgen legend among pirates and pillagers alike. Cities nearly crumbled in dread when his ship would arrive.
“Townships readily gave up their gold and daughters to them just so Chode would stay on board and leave them alone,” Prof. Flederman explained. “After a Chode Viking raid, they would have to de-louse before they rebuilt. It was spooky how awful that guy was.”
One drunken night aboard the longship, Chode and the other’s got way to drunk and Chode began lighting his farts with the torches. Apparently they were so foul and mammoth that it lit the sail on fire. The others threw him overboard where he drifted to land on an empty grog barrel.
Eventually Chode landed on the shores of Tibet where the locals regarded him as a god. His white skin and terrible odor got him the respect of everyone. After he died in 1032, they erected a mighty temple in his honor, the Palkhor Chode temple in Tibet.
Years went by and the legend of Chode Slorgensblorgen was lost in the fetid winds of time.
That is until the year 1347.
The clan of Vikings had reached the shores of Constantinople almost two centuries prior, but a slow plague had been growing. The people weren’t bathing, they were drinking in excess, they liked to watch animals copulate in public forums and their stinky wet cheese fetish was an epidemic.
The well known “Black Plague” had spread and was spreading across Europe but parts of Constantinople were safe because of that cheese. While at the same time, the generations of self neglect, mead binging, laundry abandoning, feet scraping and cheese gorging had caused a national outbreak. Years of writhing in the stench caused people to have similar symptoms as the plague but were, in fact, dying from their own sloth and gluttony.
The bishop had then decreed this sickness “the Chode” and would be from then on known for its slovenly demeanor to which it perished.
About a hundred years later the Ottoman Turks took it over so who cares? All they made was something to rest your feet on.
In 1789 a strange group of nature worshipers had sprung out of the western European pagan communities.
Known for its nudity and aversion to proper wiping, the Chode Pagans emerged as a curious outset for the religion.
“This was a group of people that loved nature and believed that to get close to it you keep that area between the thighs untouched as to appease the gods of dirt,” notes Randall Keene, theologist and Chode Pagan expert.
The Chode Pagans loved to frolic in the sun, dance by bonfire at night, pray to the mighty god that lived in men’s under areas and walked bowlegged.
“They weren’t very popular,” explains Keene. “In fact, they were ostracized by the other pagan groups. The Chode’s were laughed at and ridiculed for their silly beliefs. Even the ones that worshiped sides of ham thought the Chode’s were ridiculous. Which they were...but still. To each his own I suppose.”
The Chode’s soon disbanded and went forth to cleaner neither region pastures. Plus all that nudity was getting them sick. Have you been to western Europe in the winter? Can you say ‘hey-my-nipples-are-about-to-fall-off’? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
So at this point the “chode” was split in two. Some saw the word to express someone who is shiftless, foul smelling and a dorkwad while others viewed it as the under area between the genitals and poop chute.
It wasn’t until 1942 that the duo would become a threesome.
Rabbi Moishe Bris Chodenstein wrote a manifesto “The Foreskin, I Say Leave It On: Why The Bris Is For Schmucks!” claiming that the only reason Rabbi’s perform a Bris is to make the man’s penis appear longer.
“The Chodenstein’s were known for having very unusual penis’”, claims Jewish American studies teacher Herschel Stern. “In fact, Rabbi Chodenstein was thought to be a girl for the first five years of his life. One day, apparently, somethin started to show and his mother took off the bonnet and put him in a tie. He was so taken by this that he figured if God gave him what he gave him we shouldn’t go against it.”
Known as the Chode Jews, this coalition of the faith resists the tradition to snip away a baby boy’s foreskin because, hey, if God gave it to you it must be okay.
“At the same time it couldn’t hurt,” extends Stern. “Most of the Chode Jews are really, um, shall we say “lacking’ in the man package department. Size of the ship my butt. These guys look like tugboats that crashed into an iceberg. Not an attractive bunch there, let me tell you.”
In fact Rabbi Chodenstein was rumored to have a penis two inches long yet nearly a foot in diameter.
“I don’t know who started this rumor,” Herschel contends. “Some say his wife, Kegel Chodenstein, who was simply fed up or protesters of the man and his book. I really don’t know. And, to be honest with you...I don’t really care.”
Around the 1960's all three terms were in use but still underground. The rock group Psychedelic Lampshade had a song called “Chode Me” which went on about their ‘man basement’ and ballyhooed about a ‘squashy frolic gnome’. Whatever that may be.
In essence, the Catholics viewed the chode as a lazy ne’er-do-well while the Jews saw it as a “expanse not extent” penis as Pagan’s likened the term to their “taint” or “gooch”, named after the tree they danced around all nuded up and dingy.
So what is the proper use of the word? Is it just one? Or possibly all three? Obviously it depends on the location and person saying it. Some places in the US, it is a stubby johnston. In parts of Europe the stick of skin between the package and the brown bear cave. While scattered about the globe, it still means a gross dickhead that never showers or cleans up after themselves.
Yet, in parts of rural Tibet, it means “Almighty pale God of smell and spittle.”
United we stand, divided on the chode...we’re on the wall!
- Mark Whittaker
1 comment:
Dude, you're a chode.
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